What are healthy boundaries and why do they matter?

/ Hidden River Counseling/

Boundaries function like invisible property lines around us. If you own a house, you probably have a good sense of where your land ends and your neighbor’s begins. 

In this example, “porous,” or overly lenient, boundaries would mean letting strangers have free reign on your property. On the other hand, having too rigid boundaries would look like never inviting anyone into your space and living in isolation. 

Healthy boundaries strike a balance between these extremes. 

Unfortunately, few of us are taught how to set boundaries, especially the intangible ones that aren’t as clear-cut as a property line, when we are growing up. Learning them as an adult can be challenging, but as you’ll discover, it’s essential for protecting your time, energy, money, and feelings. 

Types of boundaries: Physical boundaries

As children, many of us were instructed to hug or kiss our relatives whether or not we were comfortable doing it. While parents typically mean no harm with these instructions, they can undermine a child’s ability to determine who they touch and how -- and who touches them. Because of this, many adults need help learning how to implement healthy boundaries around their bodies and personal space later in life.

This means guarding your body from unwanted touch and also respecting other people’s physical boundaries. This might look like:

  • Explaining to a coworker you’d rather not be hugged

  • Communicating to a romantic partner where and how you want to be touched 

  • Asking your family to give you privacy in the bathroom or shower

  • Requesting that a neighbor turn down loud music while you’re trying to sleep

  • Telling a neighbor who dropped by unexpectedly that now isn’t a good time for a visit

  • Asking your roommate not to eat food that you purchased

Types of boundaries: Emotional boundaries 

Emotional boundaries act like a protective wall that keeps bad out and lets good in, according to Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. We grant more emotional space and energy to people who are supportive and kind, and we guard ourselves from people who treat us poorly.  

It makes taking responsibility for your own feelings, but not other people’s feelings. When we implement good emotional boundaries in our lives, we don’t let other people’s bad moods hold us hostage or force us to walk on eggshells around them. Setting emotional boundaries may include: 

  • Not confiding in someone who’s known to be a gossip

  • Not allowing someone else’s grumpy mood to ruin your day 

  • Telling a friend that you’re not comfortable hearing intimate details about their marriage 

  • Saying no to peer pressure 

  • Not sharing details about your personal life with coworkers

Types of boundaries:  Time and energy

Because they’re intangible, time and energy can be more difficult to guard. But since time and energy are the most basic components of our lives, they may be among the most important things to protect. Most of us have fallen into the trap of committing to too many obligations at one time. Doing so can leave us drained and resentful, unable to give our energy to the people and hobbies that truly matter to us. 

Protecting your time and energy usually involves saying no, which can be difficult for many of us. But setting healthy boundaries around our time and energy frees us to be able to fully say yes to what we really want in life. Creating boundaries around our time and energy can look like: 

  • Saying no to a church member who asks you to join a committee 

  • Dividing household chores equally between family members 

  • Not bringing your work laptop home 

  • Getting a weekly babysitter to enjoy time with your spouse 

  • Quitting a volunteer position you no longer have time for

Types of boundaries: Spiritual boundaries

Our spirituality is one of the most sacred aspects of our lives and, as such, needs to be protected. Spiritual boundaries guard our beliefs, values, and practices from influence or manipulation from other people. They help us maintain what’s important to us, even if it’s different from those around us. Some examples of spiritual boundary setting are:

  • Not celebrating a holiday from a different religion, even when your coworkers are

  • Saying no to a friend who invites you to their church, mosque, or synagogue

  • Saying no to making  a donation you can’t afford

  • Refusing peer pressure to join the choir  

  • Politely declining to eat pork at a friend’s house

Types of boundaries:  Financial boundaries

Financial boundaries allow us to steward our money well, without overextending ourselves or our budget. It also forces the people around us to become more financially independent by not giving the option of relying on our money. Saying no when someone asks you for money can induce guilt, but it’s crucial to maintaining our own financial health.

Setting financial boundaries doesn’t mean refusing to be generous. In fact, setting boundaries around money now means you’ll have money when a real need arises later. A therapist can help you understand the difference between feeling compelled to give to a cause that matters to you  versus buying something you don’t want because you feel pressured. 
Financial boundaries could include:

  • Saying no to a friend who wants you to join their MLM 

  • Refusing to support an adult child because they don’t want to get a job

  • Saying no to a pushy salesperson

  • Having honest conversations with your spouse about budgets

Why do healthy boundaries matter?

Many areas of our lives require boundaries to flourish; this list is just a start. Across the board, though, the basis of setting healthy boundaries is this: Saying no to what we don’t want gives us the freedom to embrace what we do want. Healthy boundaries remind us who we are and what we’re responsible for -- and what we’re not. 


Sources:

​​Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. S. (2004). Boundaries. Zondervan. 

Sharon Martin, L. C. S. W. (2020, April 23). 7 types of boundaries you may need. Psych Central. Retrieved November 11, 2021, from https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2020/04/7-types-of-boundaries-you-may-need. 

Selva, J. (2021, September 13). How to set healthy boundaries: 10 examples + PDF worksheets. PositivePsychology.com. Retrieved November 11, 2021, from https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/?utm_source=pocket_mylist.