Why am I so depressed with so much to be grateful for?

The root causes of depression can be complex. While some depression can be situational, feelings of sadness and loss of interest can arise even when life is good. Genes, early childhood trauma, and even the weather can play a role in causing depression. And while it’s true that thankfulness is a good practice, the belief that one shouldn’t feel depressed can actually make depression worse. 

It can be tempting to deny the feelings of depression, especially if you believe that you should be feeling happy or grateful. But being honest about these thoughts and feelings is the first step to changing them. A good therapist can help you uncover and validate the feelings of sadness, while also assisting you in changing the thoughts or behaviors that may have contributed to the depression in the first place. 

If you are experiencing depression, you’re not alone. It’s one of the most common mental health challenges, and most people will face a bout of it at some point in their lives. 

The good news is that depression is highly treatable. 

What causes depression?

Researchers believe that depression is usually caused by a confluence of several factors. For example, if you move to a new city where you don’t know anyone during a dreary, rainy winter, the combination of these two factors could put you at higher risk for depression.

Life events, like the isolation experienced by many due to COVID-19, can also contribute to feelings of sadness and despair. Genes can also play a role in depression, and you may be more at risk if others in your family have been diagnosed. People who’ve experienced loss or trauma, even if it’s far in the past, may be at a greater risk of developing depression as well.

A trained therapist can help you tease apart the contributing factors of your depression. 

How is depression different from regular sadness?

Depression manifests differently for everyone. Some people may experience depression in their bodies in the form of aches, pains, and general exhaustion. Others may struggle with feelings of profound sadness, guilt, or worthlessness. Some clients find it difficult to concentrate, even on activities they once enjoyed. 

Depression differs from general sadness in that it typically lasts longer and affects your ability to function in everyday life. It can also arise without any known trigger, while sadness is usually tied to a specific event, like the loss of a job or the death of a friend. Depression can crop up even if our lives seem to be going well. 

A therapist can help you decide if what you’re feeling is everyday sadness or depression. They can also consult with your doctor to check for other illnesses or conditions that could be a factor. 

How can a therapist help?

Negative self-beliefs can also be a huge factor in making us feel depressed. A therapist will help you examine your self-talk and the beliefs that you hold, which can contribute to gloom and melancholy.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is one of the most common methods for treating depression. CBT holds that thoughts, behavior, and feelings are all interconnected and changing one can cause a domino effect, breaking the cycle of negativity. For instance, if a client hears that they are rejected from a job they applied for, they might think, “Of course I didn’t get the job. No one will ever hire me.” This negative thought can lead to feelings of sadness or even worthlessness, which can then reinforce the client’s poor self-image. 

A therapist can help reframe these life events. The therapist can both validate the disappointment while also helping the client challenge their thinking around this event. Instead of saying, “No one will ever hire me,” the client could think, “That was a great learning experience. I’ll be better prepared next time.”

When shoulds aren’t helpful 

According to Nancy Collier, LCSW, shoulds can interfere with our ability to know what we actually want. She says that constantly trying to feel what we think we should feel -- especially when it comes to feeling grateful -- can undermine our self-intimacy. 

And when we live in a system of shoulds we may become alienated from ourselves, which can also put us at risk of depression. A therapist can help you let go of the shoulds and get in touch with our real feelings and desires. This honesty can be the first step in a journey toward healing from depression. 

How gratitude can help 

Again, even gratitude can be harmful if we are guilted into it. Telling ourselves that we should feel grateful instead of depressed won’t help change the feeling. 

That said, gratitude practices have a buffering effect against depression if used correctly. A gratitude practice can be as simple as keeping a journal of things that we feel grateful for and adding to it once a day. The act of reflecting on the people, places, and things we are thankful for-- even if it’s just a hot cup of coffee or a snuggle from your dog --  strengthens our tendency toward gratitude. And when we reinforce these neural circuit ways, our brains are more likely to use those pathways again, increasing overall feelings of gratitude.

Think of it like blazing a trail through the woods. Once you’ve established a clear path to walk, you’re more likely to travel down the well-maintained trail than the others. 

While gratitude practices are always a good idea, if you’re already depressed, they may not be enough to lift you out of the fog. Seeing a therapist can help you identify the root causes of your depression and develop a plan to manage it. 

First steps 

Depression can only be diagnosed by a licensed therapist, but there are a few steps to take if you believe you might be depressed. 

Take some time for self-reflection. It can also be helpful to keep a journal to determine how long you’ve been experiencing these feelings and how much they affect your functioning. Having these thoughts and feelings on paper will also give you a great resource to use if/when you do meet with a therapist. If you struggle with guilt about your sadness or not feeling grateful enough, that’s also a good thing to notice and record. A therapist will help you identify the root of those beliefs and rebuild a healthier outlook.

You can also consult a trusted family member to learn if there’s a history of depression in your family tree. In addition, sharing your experiences with people you trust can help you feel less alone in your pain. You may be surprised that someone close to you could be experiencing  similar 

Sources: 

Collier, N. (2013, April 6). Stop 'shoulding' yourself to death. Psychology Today. Retrieved October 4, 2021, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inviting-monkey-tea/201304/stop-shoulding-yourself-death-0. 

American Psychiatric Association. (n.d.). What Is Depression? What is depression? Retrieved October 4, 2021, from https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression.