How Do I Navigate the Holidays with My Extended Family?
/Navigating the holidays with extended families can spike anyone’s anxiety. Whether it’s newly married couples figuring out how to divide their time between their respective families, or it’s your Republican aunt and Democrat cousin sitting down to the same dinner table, potential stressors abound this time of year.
But navigating the holidays isn’t rocket science. In fact, to negotiate these scenarios with grace, class, and maybe even humor, you can rely on the proven communication and boundary-setting skills that therapists have been using all along. Just dressed up in Holiday garb.
Plan ahead and discuss expectations
To take a proactive approach, communicate your holiday expectations early. Some of your expectations may be unconscious, like if you assume your spouse will do all the shopping like last year. Your spouse may expect something totally different, so make sure you reflect on and discuss what expectations you hold before entering this conversation.
Reflect on what your assumptions around the holidays may be
Don’t hold back or bottle up your expectations when discussing them with your partner
Share your non-negotiable needs, like not traveling on Christmas Day or needing a break between family gatherings
Make concessions
Most partners enter a marriage with their own cherished Holiday traditions from their family or origin. However, families age, grow, and change, so traditions must evolve as well. Try to work out these differences fairly like you would other conflicts. Stay flexible and be willing to compromise.
Consider splitting time between families or make a plan to alternate years
Host the holidays at your own house and invite both partners’ families
Try to embrace each other’s traditions while focusing on forming new traditions together
Have some fun and remember everything doesn’t have to be perfect to be special
Practice self-care
Keep in mind that the holidays are stressful for everyone, and it’s okay if you’re dysregulated. Try to maintain some semblance of your regular self-care practice, like exercising, meditating, or reading, even if you can only do a little of it. Stepping out of family gatherings and getting some air is also a good idea, especially if a situation becomes tense.
Plan therapy appointments before the holiday stress starts
Make space for quiet amidst the bustle
Find creative ways to move your body even if you can’t make it to the gym
Steer clear of hot-button issues
You may have strong opinions about your cousin Joe’s Facebook posts, but your family gathering isn’t the best place to bring them up. Try to avoid subjects that cause a heated reaction, whether it’s politics, money, or even sports. Keeping the conversation light when it comes to extended family can help keep arguments from breaking out.
Change the subject
Offer to discuss the issue another time
Use humor to deflect if appropriate
Show yourself and others compassion and grace
Whether you’re away from home, off your regular sleep schedule, or just trying to acclimate to a house full of people, it’s normal to be stressed. It’s also normal to revert to some of your old behaviors when you’re around your family members. So, try to show yourself compassion and grace. Your best self may not be the person who shows up for family events at the holidays, and that’s okay.
Try to lower your expectations for yourself, your partner and kids’ behavior
Anticipate some minor snapping and discord with your family
Practice “lengthening the fuse” of your temper and growing your patience
Make time for each other
Family gatherings, kids recitals, and neighborhood parties tend to take priority during holiday business. But even if you can’t go on your regular date nights, try to find small moments to spend with just each other. That might just mean having a few minutes to chat before bedtime, or enjoying a cup of coffee together before the kids wake up. For families with kids, it might mean carving out time to spend with just your immediate family, apart from the larger family network.
Schedule “off” nights during the busy holiday season
Plan low-energy activities like holiday movies in between gatherings
Try to make time for “mini dates” with your partner
Fight smart
Conflicts will inevitably arise during this busy season. But thankfully, the same rules apply to holiday fights! Make sure you open difficult conversations with “I” statements instead of accusations. Avoid contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling, or what Gottman calls, “the four horsemen.” Try to couch arguments in terms of your feelings rather than in terms of what your partner is doing wrong.
When bringing up a grievance, tread lightly and stick to what you experience
Allow your partner space to share their thoughts and feelings as well
Practice empathy
Avoid people-pleasing
It can be tempting to try to make everyone happy during the holidays. There are so many people to visit, shop for, and celebrate with! But saying yes to every invitation or request for help can create the conditions for burnout. Be realistic about how much time, energy, and resources you’ll need during this season and try to plan accordingly.
Then, move forward as a united front with one plan. This can help you field questions and pressure from aunts, uncles, and grandparents, and it also makes it easier for hosts to plan ahead.
Decide on a budget before the holidays
Have an agreed-upon plan for your immediate family early in the season
Practice saying “no” or “not this year”
Enjoy instead of survive
It may also be helpful to establish new holiday traditions for your immediate family, even if it’s something small and low-key. Making your own fun memories during the season can also help alleviate stress and spark the release of endorphins.
As tricky as it can be to navigate family dynamics around the holidays, it shouldn’t all feel like stress and obligation. Implementing these techniques can help stave off issues before they arise and help you enjoy the holidays rather than just survive them.