Is it possible to stay together after an affair?
/At Hidden River, we’ve established a proven strategy for helping couples move through infidelity together. Our therapists are trained to help both partners work through the damage caused by affairs through a process of full disclosure, rebuilding trust, and re-establishing true intimacy.
While it’s never an easy undertaking, having a trained therapist to guide you through the process provides you with the best chance of restoring your relationship after an affair. Our unique approach has led hundreds of couples to not only survive the affair, but to discover a greater intimacy than they thought possible.
A therapist can act like a guardrail during the truth-telling and restoration process, keeping both members of the couple safe during a precarious journey. Of course there are no guarantees that a couple will remain married if they choose to pursue marital restoration. However, when couples truly commit to the recovery process at Hidden River, we have seen a 95% success rate in restoring marriages.
What factors contribute to affairs?
Common knowledge tells us that affairs are caused by temptation or boredom. But as therapists, we know that the reasons people cheat often lie much deeper than that. Typically, people who stray outside their marriage have unhealed trauma that makes them susceptible to seeking out connection in the wrong places.
In other words, the intensity of affairs – amplified by the novelty and the secrecy of illicit sexual contact – acts as a substitute or “counterfeit” for the true intimacy that marriage is designed to foster. Unfortunately, once a partner has strayed, the initial act can sometimes trigger a shame-based pattern or cycle. Betraying a spouse leads the person to feel great shame, which then causes them to try to escape these feelings by acting out again.
In addition, sexual encounters provide a hit of dopamine, the hormone that increases our mood and helps us feel good, happy, or at ease. When experienced in high doses, such as during sexual engagement, it creates a high or euphoria. But this “high” is short-lived. Most partners who engage in extramarital affairs feel more hollow and disconnected than before they cheated. Because it’s cyclical, many couples need outside help to break the cycle of shame and compulsion. That’s where a therapist can help.
Common factors that contribute to affairs:
Intimacy disorder or fear of true intimacy
Childhood trauma: either abuse or neglect
Unmet needs
Chronic emotional repression
Resentment
Shame, a feeling of wanting to hide one’s true self from their partner
How seeing a therapist can help in the aftermath of an affair
Our trained marital restoration team will help couples heal addressing the damage, rebuilding trust, and discovering the underlying causes for the affair.
For most couples, this involves a process of full disclosure, which means the injuring spouse, with the support one of our specialists, reveals the complete truth about their affair. While it’s difficult work, being honest about the infidelity with the appropriate level of detail ensures that there will be no surprises later and prevents further damage from occurring. Because it’s so delicate, we recommend that full disclosure only occur with the guidance of a therapist.
Our full disclosure process is highly structured and intentional. Both partners will be assigned an individual therapist that will walk with each partner through the entire process. While the process can be uncomfortable, it shouldn’t cause either partner to shut down or escalate. Once full disclosure is achieved, the therapist can determine what underlying factors may have contributed to the offending partner’s decision to stray outside the marriage and how to help address these issues.
A therapist guides couples through the restoration process by:
Creating a safe space for both individuals in the relationship to heal and process the trauma associated with and contributing to the affair
Establishing boundaries in the relationship to minimize further hurt
Facilitating full disclosure in a healthy, non-combative way
Using clinical judgment to determine how much disclosure both parties can handle in a particular moment
Preventing the injuring partner from shifting blame or remaining in denial
Addressing unmet needs and unhealed trauma that may have contributed
Removing barriers to forgiveness
Which couples are most likely to survive an affair?
We’ve seen hundreds of clients rehabilitate their marriages after affairs. But how much you get our of this process depends solely on how fully both partners commit to the process.
Both parties must be willing to be fully honest with each other. The injuring party must also be open to admitting to their mistake and owning the consequences. A partner who’s in denial will not be able to fully engage this process in an effective way.
When to seek help
In order to begin the healing process, the injuring partner must have ended the affair. Full restoration cannot happen if one partner is continuing to seek intimacy outside the marriage.
If the injuring partner is unwilling to end the affair, marriage restoration counseling isn’t possible. However, the injured partner may still benefit from seeing a therapist for support during this difficult time. At Hidden River, we have counselors trained to provide support to the betrayed spouse independently if couples therapy isn’t an option.
How to choose a therapist
If you’re beginning the marriage restoration process, we highly recommend finding a therapist with experience in this field. Several of our therapists specialize in treating sexual addiction and helping couples heal after infidelity. You can read through their bios and areas of expertise to find the right clinician for you.
Paths forward
The hard truth is that not all couples will decide to stay together after an affair has occurred. However, when couples are intentional about restoring their relationship, many are able to find a way back to each other – and to even experience deeper trust and intimacy than before they started the process.
Our founder, Kendall Flowe, compares the full disclosure and restoration process to surgery, such as setting a broken bone. It’s painful at the time, but absolutely necessary to rebuild a healthy bond. At Hidden River, you’ll find a therapist who can be a trusted guide to facilitate this difficult but rewarding process.